It's been a year since the crap hit the proverbial fan. The beginning of April 2013. Spring Break is when I resigned and when Josh felt things unraveling. It was a terrible week.
A whole 365 days. My heart still sinks when I think back.
Disappointment. Fear. Embarrassment. Relief. I wish I could go back in time and assure my 8 month pregnant self that everything would be okay.
And in a whopping 365 days I've learned more about myself and the strength of my little family than in the last seven years combined.
I could have never planned it all. And I knew that going into it. I was excited for change. And when I think back to all that had to happen, everything that had to "fall perfectly into place", I am so thankful.
It's beautiful this little life we have.
I had an opportunity arise to take a full time job. I wasn't chosen for it, but I wanted to make a decision before they called. And this decision that I thought would be SO easy to make, turned out to be excruciating. And the simple fact? I'm not ready to go back. I'm not ready to give up these days and these moments. I had decided before they called to turn it down. I didn't have to- they turned me down, giving that extra confirmation that we had made another right decision.
You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when something just isn't right? It's been a familiar feeling this year. When everything points to the logical (2 comfortable full time jobs, a sweet house, plenty in savings) and that deep down stomach lump points the complete opposite way. And it doesn't just point. It screams run. So we did.
I really think my heart bled. Maybe I'm dramatic. When I sat down with Josh to talk it through my mind was made up (I was going to take it), and then I slowly remembered why we are where we are. Why we are sacrificing our pleasures to raise these children who are unaware of these painstaking decisions. They don't have a care in the world as they sleep. All the while I'm kept up at night, all night, bearing the weight of the world- our world. And I remembered why we are letting go of what the world values. What the world considers "success" because we've been there. We've both been "successful". And it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Trust. Remember the T-word? Relying on Him for our next breath. Not creating a perfect bubble flawlessly controlled by us. I had all of that once. And I wasn't happier. And the "fast lane" wasn't smoother. In fact we were more stressed out. And more worried. Coincidence? Not a chance.
This experience was eye opening. I realized that I had started to fall into complacency again. Not living in the moment. Getting caught up with things that don't really matter. And how? How after the last year could I have already forgotten? The same way the Israelites forgot? Oh yeah, the Israelites who grumbled and complained even though all their needs were met.
I have been lost in thought recently about "what ifs". And I'm convinced that "what ifs" destroy. When Josh and I were talking we agreed that many times there aren't right and wrong decisions. It's rarely ever black and white. If it were, it wouldn't be so difficult. The right/right decisions are the hardest. When you can see yourself living both of the consequences you've worked through. And the inevitable what if's that come with finally making a right decision.
There are a lot of things I could question. What if our house had sold 2 years ago? Would it have saved a bunch of heartache? What if we hadn't taken the last youth pastor position? Would my heart be a little more soft? Would I be able to trust more freely? What if I went back to work? Would life be "easier"? Maybe. Would it be easy? Not a chance. What if I could just accept decisions we make? And not think about the alternative. Not think about how life WOULD be, but how life is. And enjoying this little life we have. I am thankful that I had this opportunity to be able to process all this. Had it not happened, I may never have worked through these feelings.
At the end of the day I feel beyond rewarded. I read articles about moms feeling like no one notices. No one sees what goes on. And no one does see. And that's okay. I'm not doing these things to be seen. At the end of everyday I have an overwhelming sense of satisfaction that I've never had before. That I made a difference. I kept two tiny humans alive. Fed them, bathed them, clipped tiny toe nails, and rocked- back and forth. We talk about important things. Like how the moon is lit at night and where the sun hides while we sleep and what dolphins eyeballs are made of.
In my career I taught nearly 500 children math and social studies, reading and writing. Sometimes teaching them life skills and how to get along was even more important. Yet even with 100% of my class passing all the state tests for multiple years, NOTHING compares to being with my babies. For once I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. No need to pursue anything else. Just rest, and be still and be thankful.
I am forever grateful for a husband who works hard to provide for us. Who has ALWAYS worked hard to provide. And adjusting his life, and sleep schedule, and giving up time with his kids (I mean they are half his right?!) to allow me this incredible opportunity.
I finally feel like the fog has cleared. That we are feeling settled. That life is feeling normal-ish again.
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