a little bit of my heart...

I feel like this has been a tumultuous year. I'll start by saying I'm not a huge fan of change. Ever. This post will be raw. And it will be random. Because right now my brain is feeling pretty scattered.

Adjusting to new settings, new routines, new anything takes me a while. I like to plan, feel secure, and know what's about to happen next. But this year has been anything but that.

I should add some fairly important details to this post... I turned in my resignation letter at the end of March, Josh resigned from his job today, and I'm having a baby a week from Wednesday (May 15th). Work is ending May 10th for me and May 29th for Josh. All of this is a little overwhelming to me who dislikes change. But the word overwhelming is always thought of in a negative sense... and I don't feel negative at all. Scared? Maybe a little.

The in between is scary. Not knowing what's next is scary. Yet I have an overwhelming sense of peace. Because I know without a doubt that every decision we've made has been the right one. I can't explain how I know that- but there have been too many things that have happened (in a positive light) for me to know and feel that way. I also have peace that a decision with Josh has been made. I've lived on a roller coaster of ups and downs. Not knowing whether stepping down was the right move. Justifying it and finding reasons to stay. Finding reasons to leave. My heart has been torn in two opposite directions and now it can rest.

This is all most likely new knowledge to many reading this (the ups and downs). To me, the news isn't new. Although we didn't make this final decision about Josh resigning until last week, I've seen it coming... and I've had time to work through many emotions. The "what are we thinking?" emotion. The "how are we going to live?" emotion. The "other people are going to think we're crazy!" emotion.

I know alot of people are going to wonder "Do you regret resigning from teaching?" Not.one.second. There are alot of unknowns in this mix, and I still don't have all the answers. I may end up returning to work of some kind sometime in the late summer/early fall... It will all depend on how this pans out. Me working somewhere would have to be a really great job/move for our family, because I have to justify the cost of childcare for 2 kids.  I know my heart is not in the public school at this moment in my life. Someday I may miss it and go back- but right now it's not where I'm supposed to be.

Me resigning (and the planning that went behind it) has allowed us to pay off a TON of debt. Had we not made that decision at the beginning of this year (and choosing to live off one income while putting the other paycheck completely to debt) we would be in a pretty terrible situation. Even if I'm not able to stay home, I thank the Lord that we "tried" and began taking the steps necessary to make it happen. Had we not committed to this, we'd still be looking at 3 areas of debt (roof, truck, and student loans) and monthly payments we couldn't make on one income. Thankfully we just about have the truck paid off (and we have a plan to do so before my income runs out), so all that's left is a pretty small student loan amount (with a small monthly payment). The roof was paid off last Friday, 3 months early with tax money we weren't planning to get back. See? It's in the little things that God shows us his plans and that reassures me that nothing is a surprise to Him.

As crazy as it sounds, this is the only time in our married life that we've been free to think/do/go wherever we want. We're not bound to Toccoa. We can move/live wherever we want. We can follow our heart. And who knows? We may stay right where we are. One of us always had a steady job that "kept us here" and we took that as a sign that we needed to stay. Now we can explore all areas, find something that interests us, and go with it without having to turn our whole life upsidedown. We've even tossed around the idea of living with my parents until the dust settles. Nothing is set and we still don't know. But that's okay.

As for Josh, there really isn't a whole lot to say because this was a heart decision. The only way I can really describe his feelings is you can't fit a square peg in a round hole. His heart is in ministry. He loves youth. But it was clear that he wasn't fitting as the leader of the ministry. We love every student in that ministry. Nothing "happened". We don't have any plans "waiting in the wings". Stepping down was the only direction he could go.

I kept telling myself why this month? Why when I'm nine months pregnant do we have to make such decisions. But in the way he always does, Josh showed me the bright side. He reminded me that I would be seeing him more this month and next than I have in the last year. And what better time than when I'm sleep deprived with a brand new baby? He reminded me that we are in this together and I can't imagine going through this without him. We have truly had to hold each other up and remind ourselves that the Lord will provide. He always has. He is our Jehova-Jireh.

I've come to terms with this decision. I know that we'll be ok. Yes, we had it all- 2 steady jobs, health insurance, financial security... but  I'm over the money panic. Money isn't everything.

And then I thought: maybe we've created this perfectly comfortable life bubble with steady paychecks and never having a need that we've forgotten to rely on Him. We forgot what it means to trust. Maybe this is the lesson we are being taught? And maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of something really great.

The song "Already There" by Casting Crowns has been stuck in my head (even before we made any of these decisions). "I wish I knew how, all my fears and all my questions are going to play out, in a world I can't control.  When I'm lost in the mystery, to you my future is a memory- because you're already there." Those are some pretty powerful words!

I promise I'll keep this blog updated with new details of our life. I still plan to post regularly (even through May) and occasionally add family details in the mix.

Oddly enough for someone who hates change, I can't wait for the next step in the journey! But I also want to be content where we are. This is a season of life, and seasons always bring something new.

2 comments :

  1. Blessings to you as you step out on this new journey

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Liz! You are an inspiration to me~ I'd love to hear more about your trip!

    ReplyDelete

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